The Year of Pivots & Purpose

Do you remember the show Punk'd on MTV? 2025 has been a recurring episode for Dave and I where we are expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind the bushes to let us off the hook for the complete and utter shitshow that has been our 2025. But no Ashton, and to the hub's disappointment, no Mila. We aren't getting Punk'd. This is real life and, until last week, it has been the most challenging, frustrating, devastating year to date.

I said in a recent Facebook post:

Just when you think you’ve got things figured out, all of a sudden you might be facing a harsh truth that you don’t, therefore you pivot. Sometimes you pivot so many times you get dizzy and fall down. Dave and I have had moments of digging deep in order to get right back up and keep going.

Let me take a step back for a second and talk about the pivots of this year.

This was going to be the year of our new and exciting ventures with 2 new businesses in the works.

Well, as my mama used to say, "It went to hell in a handbasket."

Pivot 1: In March of this year, we made a drastic switch with our software venture, Legacy Safe, when we fired our developers that we had been working with since January 2024. They had been dragging things out, weren't forthcoming with information (outright lied), and we were DONE. We took the site offline in March and suffered a major financial blow with losing our initial investment. We were able to pivot after I met a local developer who shared in our vision and enthusiasm for Legacy Safe. We hired his company a few months ago and are excited about the official new and improved Legacy Safe coming in August.

Pivot 2: We signed a lease for a brand-new space in Raleigh to open a take-home steamed pot seafood store. Initially the building was to be ready for us to start our upfit in February, then March, then the end of May, then into June, then July, and now mid-August. As you can imagine, with each slip of the schedule, it cost us our time, our money and our sanity. The non-transparency and delays had gotten way out of hand to the point we backed out in mid-June. It absolutely broke our hearts, because we LOVE the franchisor, her team and the concept. At the end of the day, Dave and I knew it was the right thing for us to do right now. But it still sucked, because this was another dream we'd been working toward since early 2024.

Pivot 3: Due to the financial strain of all of the above-mentioned, I started applying for jobs again. I hadn't worked in over a year. Dave had been carrying the burden "until the store opened". And with that no longer happening, I started to apply for jobs. I sent in over 70 resumes over the course of the next few months. I hit wall after wall. I heard NOTHING back from almost all of the applications I sent in. Yet, in the back of the mind, I *knew* there was a reason I wasn't having luck. I was being led by fear and frustration, applying for jobs that would pay well, completely ignoring the fact that my gut & heart were fighting my brain. I didn't want to go back into corporate...even temporarily. I'd been free from that immense anxiety and stress and I couldn't stomach putting myself right back in the middle of what had once sent me into a medical leave. But I kept applying. Deep down, I knew that wasn't what I wanted. There was a guttural ache with each corporate-type role I applied for. I was still going through the motions of "what I should do" (apply for jobs) while still hearing that inside voice that continued to guide me to follow my heart.

As being a true believer of "everything happens for a reason", I can look back on the pivots I have had to get me to where I am today. I lose count. Each one set me on a path that might have hurt like hell at first but eventually filled my heart with peace and my soul with a knowing. I've always known my purpose in life is to help people. In my meditations, I feel a sense of peace in knowing that is my purpose. Anything outside of that just feels unnatural and wrong. Was this my midlife crisis? If so, I'm good with it.

During this time home I have learned to listen to my intuition and heart. I've kept my people close while pushing away the things that no longer matter. The mindset of taking care of myself first changed my perspective on what I would and would not do. Yet, while I knew what I didn't want, I went through the motions of doing what I was "supposed to do", fighting an internal battle every step of the way.

Pivot 4: My newest path came to light last week in an hour-long meeting that had my heart & soul filled with excitement and intrigue. I GOT A JOB! And best of all, this meeting was not the result of one of the 70+ job applications I submitted. Starting next week, I will be a working with a team driven by meaning and purpose and working for an amazing nonprofit vs. a job where I would be trading my mental health for a paycheck.

I am filled with excitement and gratitude for an opportunity that feels in alignment with my heart. With my new role with Little Pink Houses of Hope, I get to be a small part of an organization that makes such an incredible impact on breast cancer patients and their families.

Those pivots, as painful and frustrating as they have been, are what guided me to where I am meant to be in this next chapter of my life. Who knew that all the 2025 unfortunate events would lead me to my fortune?

Deep down.......

I did. 💗

What Secrets Do You Think Americans Should Know Right Now?

Being in technology pretty much my whole adult life has me fascinated by AI. So I got a wild hair and asked ChatGPT today:

"What secrets do you think the people of the United States should know right now?"

Below is ChatGPT's response:

That’s an interesting question! I can highlight important issues that don’t always get mainstream attention but could be considered "secrets" in the sense that they are underreported or misunderstood. Here are a few things Americans should be aware of right now:

1. The True State of the Economy
While official reports might paint a positive picture, factors like inflation, national debt, and corporate control of markets continue to impact real wages and household wealth. Understanding where money is flowing—and who benefits—is key to making informed financial decisions.
- Corporate profits vs everyday struggles: While some Americans are thriving, the economic gains aren't evenly distributed. (i.e. CEO pay and stock buybacks continue to soar, widening the wealth gap between executives and workers.)

2. Data Privacy & Surveillance
Many Americans don’t realize how much of their personal data is being collected, sold, and used against them in ways that go beyond targeted ads. From smartphones to smart home devices, major corporations and even government agencies track behavior in ways most people wouldn’t consent to if fully aware.

3. Food & Health Industry Influence
Big food and pharmaceutical companies have a major influence over public policy, research, and health guidelines. Many "healthy" food labels are misleading, and some medical treatments are pushed more for profit than necessity. Understanding who funds research and policies can help people make better choices.

• Pharma Industry: The healthcare industry is supposed to prioritize health, but pharmaceutical companies have a vested interest in selling medications rather than addressing root causes. The U.S. is one of only two countries (along with New Zealand) that allows direct-to-consumer drug advertising—leading to overprescription. Many common chronic conditions (high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol) are largely preventable through diet and lifestyle changes, but instead of promoting prevention, the system relies on lifelong medication use. Many psychiatric medications (like antidepressants) are prescribed without enough long-term studies on withdrawal effects or alternative treatments. What this means: Instead of treating underlying causes, the system often pushes medications that manage symptoms but don’t cure the problem.

• Hospital & Healthcare Costs: A Broken System: The U.S. spends more on healthcare than any other country, yet has some of the worst health outcomes among developed nations. Hospitals charge wildly different prices for the same procedure, depending on whether a patient has insurance and what kind of plan they have. Preventative care is often less profitable than expensive surgeries and medications, so the system focuses more on treatment than prevention. Insurance companies and pharmaceutical companies work together to maximize profits, often at the expense of patients who are forced to navigate high deductibles, surprise bills, and denied claims. What this means: The system prioritizes profit over patient well-being, leading to expensive treatments rather than affordable, effective prevention.

• The Connection Between Food & Disease: Many chronic diseases—such as obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and even some cancers—are strongly linked to diet, but the healthcare industry often ignores this connection. Doctors get little to no training in nutrition during medical school. Instead of prescribing diet changes, many doctors immediately prescribe statins for cholesterol, insulin for diabetes, or blood pressure medication. Food deserts (areas with limited access to fresh, healthy food) force low-income families to rely on processed, unhealthy foods, increasing disease rates. What this means: The healthcare system focuses on treating disease after it happens rather than helping people stay healthy in the first place. 

THE BOTTOM LINE

The food and healthcare industries prioritize profiles over health, influencing everything from what we eat to how we're treated when we get sick. Understanding these influences helps people make better choices and advocate for a system that truly supports well-being.

4. The Power of Lobbying
Many laws and policies that affect everyday life are heavily influenced by corporate and special interest lobbying, sometimes at the expense of ordinary citizens. This is one reason why issues like healthcare reform, environmental protection, and fair wages often stall in Congress.

5. The Expanding Role of AI & Automation
AI is already reshaping jobs, security, and privacy, but the full impact isn’t widely discussed. From deepfakes to automated decision-making in finance and law enforcement, AI is influencing society in ways most people aren’t yet prepared for.

6. Hidden Costs of “Free” Services
Social media, search engines, and many online platforms offer "free" services, but the cost is often paid through surveillance, data harvesting, and manipulation of public opinion.

7. The Reality of Infrastructure & Preparedness
The U.S. power grid, water systems, and emergency preparedness are more fragile than most people realize. Cyberattacks, natural disasters, and outdated infrastructure pose real risks, yet long-term solutions often get delayed due to political gridlock.

So, What’s the Big Picture?

The U.S. economy isn’t in crisis, but it’s also not as strong as some headlines suggest. There’s a growing divide between those who are financially secure (homeowners, investors, high earners) and those struggling with rising costs, debt, and job instability.

Many of today’s financial challenges are systemic, meaning personal budgeting alone won’t solve the bigger issues. Keeping an eye on policy changes, corporate behavior, and financial trends is key to staying ahead.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Then I asked ChatGPT:

"What should Americans do to take back control of their finances, privacy and personal health?"

Great question! Taking back control of finances, privacy, and health requires a mix of awareness, smart habits, and collective action. The system is set up to benefit corporations and special interests, but individuals can push back. Here’s how:

1. FINANCIAL FREEDOM: STOP PLAYING THEIR GAME

The economy is structured to keep people spending, borrowing, and trapped in debt. To break free:

✅ Spend Intentionally & Cut Out Greedflation

🔹 Question every price hike. Many corporations raise prices beyond inflation just to increase profits. Buy generics, shop locally, and avoid companies that engage in price gouging.
🔹 Delay major purchases. If possible, wait until demand cools for things like cars and homes to avoid paying inflated prices.
🔹 Live below your means. The more financially independent you are, the less you rely on banks, lenders, or government aid.

✅ Reduce Debt & Avoid the Credit Trap

🔹 Pay off high-interest debt first (especially credit cards). If possible, negotiate lower rates.
🔹 Avoid lifestyle inflation. Just because you earn more doesn’t mean you need to spend more.
🔹 Use credit cards wisely. Pay them off in full each month or switch to debit/cash for better control.

✅ Take Ownership of Your Investments

🔹 Diversify your money. Don't just rely on employer 401(k)s—look into Roth IRAs, index funds, and real estate.
🔹 Think long-term. Investing in things like assets (property, businesses, or stocks) builds security over time.
🔹 Avoid get-rich-quick schemes. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

---

2. PRIVACY: TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR DATA

Your data is constantly being harvested—by social media, apps, and even your phone. To reduce exposure:

✅ Lock Down Your Devices

🔹 Turn off unnecessary tracking. Check your phone’s privacy settings and limit location access.
🔹 Use encrypted messaging apps like Signal instead of SMS or Facebook Messenger.
🔹 Cover your webcam & mic. Hackers and even companies have been caught spying.

✅ Reduce Your Digital Footprint

🔹 Delete unused accounts. Old emails, social media profiles, and shopping accounts are security risks.
🔹 Use a password manager and enable two-factor authentication (2FA) for important accounts.
🔹 Opt out of data collection when possible (Google, Facebook, and many sites allow you to limit tracking).

✅ Be Mindful of Big Tech Manipulation

🔹 Don’t fall for algorithmic manipulation. Social media pushes content to shape your opinions, buying habits, and emotions.
🔹 Use alternative search engines like DuckDuckGo instead of Google for more private searches.
🔹 Be skeptical of "free" services. If you’re not paying for it, you’re the product.

---

3. HEALTH: STOP LETTING THE SYSTEM DICTATE YOUR WELL-BEING

The healthcare industry profits from keeping people sick rather than preventing disease. To reclaim your health:

✅ Eat for Health, Not Convenience

🔹 Avoid ultra-processed foods. These are designed to be addictive and are linked to obesity, diabetes, and inflammation.
🔹 Cook more meals at home. This gives you control over ingredients and reduces exposure to unhealthy additives.
🔹 Read labels carefully. Sugar, seed oils, and artificial additives are often hidden in “healthy” foods.

✅ Take Charge of Your Medical Care

🔹 Ask questions about medications. Do you really need that prescription, or can lifestyle changes help instead?
🔹 Research alternative treatments. Many holistic and preventative health approaches are overlooked in traditional medicine.
🔹 Get second opinions. Doctors often work within insurance-driven guidelines that may not be in your best interest.

✅ Move More, Sit Less

🔹 Exercise isn’t just for weight loss. It improves mental clarity, prevents disease, and increases longevity.
🔹 Get outside. Sunlight, fresh air, and movement reduce stress and improve immune function.
🔹 Don’t rely on pharmaceuticals for everything. Many conditions (high blood pressure, mild depression, and joint pain) can be improved through diet, exercise, and stress management.

---

4. TAKE BACK YOUR VOICE: PUSH FOR CHANGE

Corporations and special interests thrive on public inaction. To push back:

🔹 Support independent journalism. The mainstream media often serves corporate interests. Follow investigative journalists and alternative news sources.
🔹 Use your dollars wisely. Support small businesses, ethical companies, and local farmers instead of giant corporations.
🔹 Hold politicians accountable. Research who funds their campaigns—many are heavily backed by pharma, big tech, and Wall Street.
🔹 Educate others. The more people understand how the system works, the harder it is for those in power to manipulate the public.

---

THE BOTTOM LINE

The system is designed to keep people broke, tracked, and unhealthy—but you can opt out. Taking small, deliberate steps to reclaim financial freedom, digital privacy, and personal health can make a massive difference in your life and in the bigger fight against corporate control.

Kristen's Bottom Line: We can continue to point fingers "left vs. right" or we can start to make our own changes and stand united in shifting control back to the people. 

Changing the Recipe for Disaster

I am just going to be candid here. 

We, as a nation and, more importantly, HUMAN BEINGS, should be paying attention to what has been, is, and will be happening around us. Let me preface all of this by saying, I have no “inside scoop” or secret connections to information. This is 100% my opinion, which, last I checked, we can still voice unless that right has ripped away from us, too. What I’m about to word vomit out is based off years of observations that are sprinkled with a dash of fear, a pinch of skepticism, 2 tablespoons of denial, and 3 cups of “there’s no damn way”, which has created the recipe of a reality that not only looks and tastes like sh*t, it will make you physically sick and eventually kill you. Yet, we all seem to be ok with continuing to poison ourselves with it, because it’s supposed to ultimately be "good for us" and "everyone is doing it".

Ok, hear me out.

We live in a split nation. Yes, no news there. That’s been a thing for many decades, but somehow, someway, we have made it worse by creating more splits. The divide isn’t just between left and right. It isn’t just among religious beliefs. It isn’t just about race or sexual preference. We, as human beings, have hit an all-time low. We can try to blame it on the pandemic: vaxed vs. unvaxed/masks vs. no masks. We can try to blame it on aliens and weird storms. The list goes on. But if you really think about it, the hate goes so much deeper than disagreements over "sides" and opinions. I am of the belief that there's a hidden agenda behind why it's gotten so out of hand.

Let me explain.

Have you ever gotten into a massive argument with your loved one where you’re both screaming and pulling out the most hurtful and awful things just to hurt them more and prove your point, only to realize you don’t remember your point OR even the reason you started fighting to begin with?Meanwhile, as you are so focused on proving your point, you are distracted from this horrific storm that has been brewing outside that has the potential to destroy your home, your town, your life. If you just stopped for a minute and paid attention to it, you could have a shot at protecting it all, but you’re too hyper focused on that damn point to notice?

Stop fighting for a second. No one, but you, cares about your point anyway. Look around. We are all screaming about something we don’t agree with. For what? To win? To win what? All the while, the world has been changing. There’s a shift and it isn’t just one thing. It isn’t just our terrifying economy. It isn’t just the crazy weather. It isn’t just opinions about the odd disasters that have hit our beautiful country. The shift is ALL things. And we are too busy disagreeing with each other to notice it.

We are in the Great Distraction.

An example of the ultimate blindside; in the midst of this massive argument with your loved one, your child comes up to you and says “Mommy, did I do this math homework right?” You look and he has: 1 + 2 = 4.  In your gut, you know it’s wrong, but because 1) you’re distracted and 2) life-stress has whittled your patience level down to 0.01, and 3) you Googled it and all the websites said “4 is the new 3 and 3 can never be the answer to a math question”. You have now reluctantly convinced yourself that the answer is 4, even though your brain screams... No. It’s 3!!!

But because of being hyper focused elsewhere, along with lack of patience and especially since GOOGLE SAID, you tell him his answer is correct. Days go by with you ignoring the sinking feeling of doubt, but eventually you believe 1 + 2 = 4.

The point?

We have become so dependent on what we are told or what we read or watch, we have stopped listening to and trusting our own mind and gut. We are questioning our own memories, personal experiences, feelings, thoughts and relying on outside information to dictate how we should respond and react. And now it’s Google says. CNN says. YouTube says. TikTok says. Facebook says. X/formerly known as Twitter says.

And so it is.

Have we ever thought for a moment that those avenues for getting information may not be looking out for our best interest but instead sharing “information” to help formulate the thoughts, the opinions, the ACTIONS to generate a desired result?  A result of numbness. Of anger. Of rage. Of indifference. And the worst, making us feel like we must make a decision (between left and right, vaxed or no vaxed, etc.) This desired state of mind takes us away from all things POSITIVE, HOPEFUL, PRODUCTIVE, CARING and ALL THINGS UNITED.

It's worked. Here we are. And the storm is brewing around us that we continue to ignore, while exerting efforts elsewhere. We need to remember that there was a time where human's survived without technology, without the internet, without news, without outside information to assist in survival and they used their brains to do so. Crazy concept, I know. Our brains are powerful and we've stopped using them for basic things including listening to our own thoughts and forming our own opinions.

Look, I don’t know what is actually going in the world. I see and read things through news media. I see and watch things on social media; global warming, corrupt government, weather tampering, alien invasions, US dollar plummeting in value, the “Elites” running the world….and then some. There are lots of rumors, conspiracy theories, all likely with some truths hidden beneath. I’ve been down too many rabbit holes to count. So many, in fact, I had to stop, because I began to question how we are still in existence as a human race!

What I actually DO know (and I believe this will 100% of my being) those who continue to be hell-bent on winning their personal battles (proving their points), will be the first to lose the war on humanity. We must stop consuming this recipe for disaster and buying into what we are told and putting more effort inward on what brings us hope, love and joy. This isn’t sticking your head in the sand and seeing rainbows and unicorns. This is recognition of the storm that is brewing. This is recognition of facts that are in our face, up close and personal such as families struggling to make ends meet, increased hate crimes, human trafficking, food prices skyrocketing, homelessness at an all-time high, a spike in natural disasters in conjunction with humans creating devastation. This is a recognition along with a reality check that we can’t change the economy overnight nor do we have control over most of the bad things that are happening. It's recognition that our constitutional rights are slowly being stripped from us. And with all the media avenues of misinformation and manipulation at every turn, our thoughts, our memories, and our feelings are being crafted to be one of conformity. 

Who is the real enemy here? And what can we do to fight?

It starts with a shift of mindset. We can change is how we respond, react, and choose to live moving forward. One day at a time.

What if, instead of waking up tomorrow with dread, we find a glimmer of hope? What if we alter our own daily recipe to include gratitude and forgiveness? What if we turn external blame into inner reflection? What if we collectively choose to change the daily narrative to one of acceptance of each other? What if we all did one small good deed a week for someone else? What if we all realize that it's better to be kind, than right? What if we all just started listening to ourselves again and lead with our hearts, our gut, resetting moral compasses and reprioritizing our own life's purpose?

What if, as this fractured, negative, hate-filled world shifts one way, we shift along with it in the opposite direction? Even if it means starting from scratch, together, we can shift the balance. Imagine the power we'd have being united standing up for our basic human rights vs. exerting energy into being irritated over a neighbor's choice in flags. 

This blog is the first step of me rolling up my sleeves and getting started. 

Who else is craving a little hope?

The Gift of Peaceful Living

 

Source: https://graziadaily.co.uk/life/
real-life/anxiety-memes/

It’s been 5 months since I wrote my blog on my battle with anxiety disorder. I had such an overwhelming response to it and cannot thank you all enough for your words of encouragement. It was one of the darkest times I have ever been through. My anxiety was closing in quickly from daily to hourly to minute by minute, to the point I thought I was suffocating. What exacerbated it all was feeling as if I was alone. Going public with my feelings was the best decision I could have ever made for myself (as terrifying as it was to put it all out there). What happened next was two-fold. Not only did it help me by putting my thoughts in writing, I found it helped so many other people who I had no idea were suffering or had a loved one that suffered from anxiety. They had no way of understanding how they felt or how they could help them and reading my experiences was a starting point for a conversation.

5 months later, I am still on anti-anxiety meds. Those, combined with an amazing support system and changing some of my daily habits, I have been able to keep my panic attacks at bay. I wish I could say “I’m cured!!”, but there is no such thing. However, I am no longer living in daily fear and, to me, that’s an amazing gift. 

The gift of peaceful living.

Through all of this, I discovered a few things that have really helped me and maybe it can help others:

• The need for quiet time. It can be as little as 15 minutes per day (but I strive for more). That is when I recharge. Whether I’m meditating or just sitting in my thoughts, it is imperative to my mental and emotional wellbeing that I get that time for me, as often as possible.

• As part of that quiet time, I've learned to savor the moment. With a lot of practice, I've retrained my brain to be more present, to live more in the now and purposeful, and most importantly cherish it, because the “now” is the only time we have guaranteed. Part of my anxiety stemmed from always worrying about “tomorrow” I need to prep for this big call. I’m so behind in this work, I’ll get to it later. What if this happens? What if this doesn’t happen? I didn’t realize how much “tomorrow” dominated my thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, those thoughts still pop up on occasion, but now I know how to catch them, sit in that feeling for a moment and let them go so that I can focus in the now.

• Sit in negative feelings. (But do not linger in them). I am an avoider by nature. Rather than avoid the negatives, I now lean into the uncomfortable feelings of dread, sadness, anger, guilt, resentment, embarrassment, frustration, and then I am able to release them. It’s quite eye-opening how once you start doing this, it changes your attitude about everything. Automatically, things that were a big deal or scary before, are no longer such a big deal. Things that frustrated and angered you before, magically become much less frustrating and irritating.

And because of that, I am able to:

• Focus on the positive in situations. I have always been a true believer that everything happens for a reason. Inevitably I get stuck behind a slow car when I’m in a hurry. Rather than cringe in a frustration, I wonder if I was slowed down for a reason unbeknownst to me. Maybe later I’ll realize it or maybe I will never know. Either way, I continue to work hard not to get worked up over situations beyond my control. Talk about a stress relief!

• Lastly, and probably most important: Give yourself grace. I accept that I'm not perfect. I accept not everyone is going to like me or agree with me. I accept the flaws that make me, me. I honestly didn't realize how much pressure I put on myself until one day I paid attention to the voice in my own head. I was like "Whoa. WHO is that a-hole? How dare she talk to you like that? Are you gonna take that?" Guess what? It was me. I'm the a-hole. But no longer. We had a little chat and we called a truce. She is much nicer now. Here's a huge lesson learned: it's a lot harder to deal with an a-hole within, because YOU NEVER GET A BREAK. After a while, those little subliminal thoughts have piled on to your anxiety and you have no idea where they came from. All you know is that you've heard them routinely and you have conditioned yourself to agree with them. Nip that in the bud immediately and you've conquered the first step toward giving yourself the gift of peaceful living.

All of this is a constant work in progress, but I've reached a point now where it's less "work" and mostly "progress" and that is where the sense of peace quietly enters the picture.

One last thing. Each day I start my day in gratitude. I say or write down 10 things that I'm grateful for, because it sets the tone for the entire day. I wanted to share one of them from this morning:

I am grateful for the sudden urge to write again.  

So here I am, with the hope that this little blog helps you get started in finding your own peace. 

The Monster Within: My Battle with Anxiety Disorder

 

This is the face of anxiety disorder.

I had my first panic attack when I was about 12 years old. I had no idea what was happening. We were visiting my aunt and uncle and I was in bed when it hit me out of the nowhere. I thought I was dying. I remember jumping out of bed and running into where my parents were sleeping. My mom knew immediately what it was, as she’d suffered from them her whole life. That is when it began. Through adolescence, panic attacks were sporadic. Once I hit adulthood, they started to become more frequent and there was no rhyme or reason behind them.

Through my adult years I was able to manage them from things such as mindfulness, breathing techniques to antidepressants. I saw doctors from general practitioners to family therapists to psychiatrists about them. And, thankfully, I’ve lived the majority of my life without them affecting my day to days with the exception of a couple of times.

But now they are back.

Why now? Who knows? But they are back with a vengeance.

There was and is still a stigma on mental health. It is silent monster that many will never talk about because much of society says “Well, *I’ve* never seen a monster, so monsters aren’t real.” I envy those who have never had to experience such a horrific thing. Once it gets it’s claws on you, it takes a lot of effort to pry them loose. And even once they are loose, you’re always waiting for that monster to appear again.

In mid-December 2022 the monster returned, my panic attacks hit me like a ton of bricks. The intensity, frequency, and paralyzing fear were beyond anything I had dealt with in the past. I’d been doing so well for years! I convinced myself “Certainly this is a fluke. I can manage this.” I put a smile on through the holidays even though deep down I was waiting for the next episode. My husband and I traveled out of town after Christmas. Instead of anticipation, I was filled with a quiet dread & worry.

Why do we do this to ourselves? When will we learn that hiding it only exacerbates it all?!

By the new year I knew this was not a fluke. I was spiraling at a rapid pace, so I called my doctor. I immediately went back on an antidepressant to get on track to “normal”. The waiting game began, waiting for meds to get in my system and regulated. Fast forward 12 days and here I sit. I am trying to be patient. The panic attacks are still happening. I am still struggling and taking things day by day. More so than being patient, I am fighting to be more vocal. It’s ok to not be ok.

There are so many misconceptions. More and more I realize how so many people have no idea what anxiety disorder even is when they make statements such as:

But you’re so laid back! How can you have anxiety?

You have so much going for you! How can you have anxiety?

You’re so happy all the time! How can you have anxiety?

 

Putting things in perspective, when the monster is at it’s peak, I live in a world of “Just in case”.

• I had a panic attack in my car, so now I won’t drive if it’s a long distance. Just in case.
• When I’m out in public, I look for the quickest exit. Just in case.
• If it’s crowded, I won’t go. Just in case.
• If no one I know will be there, I won’t go. Just in case.
• In a large venue like a concert, I need to sit close to the aisle (quick exit). Just in case.
• Refer to "crowded" bullet. Double whammy.

Now imagine that was your daily thought process running in the background of every decision you make. And imagine you are making these decisions silently for fear of ridicule and embarrassment.

I wish it was just an imaginary scenario. For millions of people with Anxiety Disorder, it’s our truth.

I write this not for anyone to feel bad for me. Don’t. I am going to be just fine. I have an amazing support system and I am on the right track to getting my life back.

I write this for those who are still in hiding, those who are silently suffering as they battle their own monsters. You are not crazy! You are not alone! Seek help. Talk to a friend or loved one. And if you don’t have anyone to turn to, you can turn to me. Don’t fight this battle alone.

💓

Helpful resources:
Panic attack symptoms
The 333 Rule
Emergency Help Lines

It's All About the Gratitude

Since I started meditating a few months ago, I've done a lot of research on the power of the mind and meditation. Today during my meditation, I decided to see if I could teach myself how to cultivate gratitude. I have a gratitude journal, but I've found myself in robotic mode some days with just listing out "things" rather than digging deep and feeling what I'm truly grateful for in that moment. 

In today's meditation, I visualized who and what I am deeply grateful for. And I don't mean "I'm grateful for coffee" level, but more so, "I'm grateful for my 4 healthy, thriving sons" level where I pictured all 4 of their faces and felt the love and gratitude within. During meditation, I focus on various parts of my body and with gratitude in particular, I can feel it deep in my gut. I pictured this feeling as a small bundle of beautiful light and held that image. Then I thought of other things I am extremely and deeply grateful for and watched the bundle of light begin to grow. I sat in that moment, feeling that light and I held it as long as I could, enjoying the internal "movie" of all the things that make me the happiest and feeling all the feels. 

When I opened my eyes, there was a lighter sense to my emotions. I didn't have the anxiety I had started my day with. And my To Do List, while still very long, didn't overwhelm me as much anymore because everything was thrown into a different emotional perspective. The things that matter, that truly matter, are in your gratitude movie. Your To Do List is just that; things to do. Rather than cultivate that feeling of dread, work on expanding gratitude. Eventually dread will just be a small speck that will fly to the surface on occasion, but gratitude will begin to win every time. 

An exercise I'm going to try moving forward: any time I feel dread, rather than letting it overtake me, I'm going to recognize it and stop for a moment to find my beautiful bundle of gratitude. That big bright light is so much stronger, so much more important than the likes of dread, anger, hate, envy, etc.. Eventually I'll start feeling a lot less of the negative and a lot more of my gratitude movie warm and fuzzies. I realize that this type of reprogramming of the mind doesn't happen overnight, but that's part of what makes it magnificent. It just means that I am focusing on gratitude more often which naturally will change my way of thinking, feeling, and living to be a much better version of myself. 

It's Like Facebook for the Soul - The Start of Meditation

About 6 weeks ago I started on an unexpected journey that has forever changed my perspective on life. Before you say, "oh, she just turned 49. Here comes the midlife crisis!", hear me out.

I was a pretty intuitive kid and teenager. Over time, as an adult with kids, a career, bills, stress, etc. my intuitive side was stifled as I ran myself to death on the hamster wheel of life. There was very little time to stop the perpetual spinning. I had come very close (many times) to breaking down. And the pending break-down most recently had me start something I'd tried, unsuccessfully, several times in the past.

Meditating. 

WAIT! Don't stop reading now. I'm not going to get all kooky on you. Just a little kooky. Take it from a once skeptic. I will not go back to life before meditation.

I'm going to be honest here. It was a daunting task in the beginning stages, hence the reason I quit before I ever got started in years past. However, this time, I was determined that I would stay committed to see what all the hype was about. What did I have to lose? Like normal, I sat as comfortably as I could, closed my eyes, took deep breaths, and *BAM*, the brain started: "Did I unplug the hair dryer? Did I call that guy back? Have I paid that bill? This is silly. Did I forget to give the dog his shot? I can't believe we missed trash day! Will Erika and Sutton ever mend fences on Real Housewives? What if Dave walks in and sees me sitting here like an idiot? My foot itches. My other foot itches. I have to pee. How much longer? Heyyyy Macarena!" 

If this has been you, don't despair. THIS IS NORMAL. As a newbie, meditation might leave you frustrated the first few times you try it. You might feel as if it isn't working. The beauty of it, that no one tells you is, it's actually working! I found that I didn't necessarily need a clear mind for meditation to be effective. What I needed to do is let the thoughts happen and gently ease them off to the side until the roar of my brain simply became a hum. That didn't happen overnight. It took time.

Understand that any time you can sit for 10 minutes and be alone with your thoughts, even with the Housewives and a full bladder, you are slowing yourself down. You aren't staring at a phone or computer or television. You aren't taking in additional information in your already informational overloaded mind. Your mind is sorting and shuffling and listening, watching, feeling, sensing and waiting. And, believe it or not, even with all that chaos, it is settling down more with each meditation. It took me quite a few attempts to reach what I felt was a "hum" instead of a roar. But once reached, meditation became so much easier and the mind automatically eased the chaos. There finally became a time my mind focused more on my senses than on whether I took the trash out.

With this mind success, I discovered the hype.

Unplugging from external stimulation a few minutes each day has done wonders for my emotional and mental well-being. I've been able to channel my creative side again. I've even found myself go deep down memory lane and run through short reels of my childhood. I can't tell you the last time I thought about my childhood home prior to. All of the emotions surfaced connected to my parents, my old room, playing in the yard, etc. The pure beauty of it all is you can make this time whatever you want to make it. You can go with your own quiet thoughts or let the mind clear and watch what happens. It's like scrolling Facebook for the Soul, but the people are kinder, the memories/visions have real emotions attached to them, and you actually feel refreshed and great when you "log off" versus wanting to throw a device out a window. 

Between my everyday stresses and the constant reminders of our rapidly declining world, meditation has thrown a lot of things in perspective for me. What is physically happening around us hasn't changed, but how I view and process it absolutely has. I don't see the world through the same lens anymore. It's less scary, stressful, and chaotic. The sunsets are more vibrant, smiles are warmer, and gratitude is abundant. But that's a blog for another time. 

This is just the beginning of me sharing my spiritual journey in its infancy. If you're interested in learning more, follow along.