The Monster Within: My Battle with Anxiety Disorder

 

This is the face of anxiety disorder.

I had my first panic attack when I was about 12 years old. I had no idea what was happening. We were visiting my aunt and uncle and I was in bed when it hit me out of the nowhere. I thought I was dying. I remember jumping out of bed and running into where my parents were sleeping. My mom knew immediately what it was, as she’d suffered from them her whole life. That is when it began. Through adolescence, panic attacks were sporadic. Once I hit adulthood, they started to become more frequent and there was no rhyme or reason behind them.

Through my adult years I was able to manage them from things such as mindfulness, breathing techniques to antidepressants. I saw doctors from general practitioners to family therapists to psychiatrists about them. And, thankfully, I’ve lived the majority of my life without them affecting my day to days with the exception of a couple of times.

But now they are back.

Why now? Who knows? But they are back with a vengeance.

There was and is still a stigma on mental health. It is silent monster that many will never talk about because much of society says “Well, *I’ve* never seen a monster, so monsters aren’t real.” I envy those who have never had to experience such a horrific thing. Once it gets it’s claws on you, it takes a lot of effort to pry them loose. And even once they are loose, you’re always waiting for that monster to appear again.

In mid-December 2022 the monster returned, my panic attacks hit me like a ton of bricks. The intensity, frequency, and paralyzing fear were beyond anything I had dealt with in the past. I’d been doing so well for years! I convinced myself “Certainly this is a fluke. I can manage this.” I put a smile on through the holidays even though deep down I was waiting for the next episode. My husband and I traveled out of town after Christmas. Instead of anticipation, I was filled with a quiet dread & worry.

Why do we do this to ourselves? When will we learn that hiding it only exacerbates it all?!

By the new year I knew this was not a fluke. I was spiraling at a rapid pace, so I called my doctor. I immediately went back on an antidepressant to get on track to “normal”. The waiting game began, waiting for meds to get in my system and regulated. Fast forward 12 days and here I sit. I am trying to be patient. The panic attacks are still happening. I am still struggling and taking things day by day. More so than being patient, I am fighting to be more vocal. It’s ok to not be ok.

There are so many misconceptions. More and more I realize how so many people have no idea what anxiety disorder even is when they make statements such as:

But you’re so laid back! How can you have anxiety?

You have so much going for you! How can you have anxiety?

You’re so happy all the time! How can you have anxiety?

 

Putting things in perspective, when the monster is at it’s peak, I live in a world of “Just in case”.

• I had a panic attack in my car, so now I won’t drive if it’s a long distance. Just in case.
• When I’m out in public, I look for the quickest exit. Just in case.
• If it’s crowded, I won’t go. Just in case.
• If no one I know will be there, I won’t go. Just in case.
• In a large venue like a concert, I need to sit close to the aisle (quick exit). Just in case.
• Refer to "crowded" bullet. Double whammy.

Now imagine that was your daily thought process running in the background of every decision you make. And imagine you are making these decisions silently for fear of ridicule and embarrassment.

I wish it was just an imaginary scenario. For millions of people with Anxiety Disorder, it’s our truth.

I write this not for anyone to feel bad for me. Don’t. I am going to be just fine. I have an amazing support system and I am on the right track to getting my life back.

I write this for those who are still in hiding, those who are silently suffering as they battle their own monsters. You are not crazy! You are not alone! Seek help. Talk to a friend or loved one. And if you don’t have anyone to turn to, you can turn to me. Don’t fight this battle alone.

💓

Helpful resources:
Panic attack symptoms
The 333 Rule
Emergency Help Lines