Monday, September 16, 2013

Got Polygamy?

My Monday morning coffee reading consisted of a new TV show airing next week about a polygamist and his 5 wives. Ok, I'll bite. I'm intrigued. (Not to be confused with "interested in doing this myself"). Let's get one thing straight; this girl doesn't share. I didn't share my Hot Wheels cars and Barbies as a kid and I am sure as hell NOT sharing my husband. 

But to each their own...

Take a quick gander for yourself and let's discuss.

"Since we have left the religion, it's now about love and it's about commitment, and it's about happiness as a family," said Brady Williams, 43."
Commitment? So you stopped at 5 wives. Way to show some restraint there, Brady.

"Non-affiliated plural families are actually quite common among the estimated 38,000 fundamentalists who practice or believe in polygamy, most living in Utah and other western states, said Anne Wilde, co-founder of a polygamy advocacy group called Principle Voices. The group estimates that about 15,000 are independent like the Williams."
Interesting factoid. Again, intriguing, but completely not a feasible option for this Southern girl. Let's assess my personal list of Pros vs. Cons:

The Pros:
#1) 4 times out of 5, it's someone else's turn to cook.

#2) 4 times out of 5, it's someone else's turn to clean.

#3) 4 times out of 5, you don't need to fake a headache. 

#4) There's always someone else's closet to raid.

The Cons:
#1) Women are Crazy Bitches. 
You have to play nice in the sandbox, because these 4 other CB's are picking up 4/5ths of your slack.

#2) 1 time out of 5, you have to cook......FOR THIRTY 30 FRICKIN PEOPLE. Now I'm certain they all pitch in to help, but again, don't piss off your sister wives or you're left waiting on the 82 gallon pot to boil, while peeling 324 potatoes, chopping 54 onions, and skinning 109 chicken breasts all by yourself. 
How many grills does this guy own?

#3) Estrogen levels at an all time high + monthly cycles all in sync = recipe for disaster. I'm thinking Brady has a death wish of some sort. Refer back to con #1

#4) Swagger Wagon decal ruined. Not enough back window space for the 30 person stick figure family. Not to mention the confusion and arguments of where stick figure Brady needs to stand in the mix. Again, refer back to con #1.

#5) Laun-freakin-dreee. 
That in of itself gives me the full body heebie jeebies. Granted, each sister wife probably does her own family's load, but God forbid she falls ill, takes a vacation or decides enough is enough and peaces out.

#6) No escape!
I have a hard enough time hiding from a husband, 6 kids and a dog so I can catch a bath in peace. I can't imagine living in a compound with a husband, 4 sisterwives, 24 kids, plus the po po and town leaders lurking, ready to damn me to hell.

I'm not sure that even having 4 other closets to raid is worth all that mess. 

Wellllll, depends on where they shop.

Tune in Sunday if you're interested in seeing 5 ladies pretend to like and respect each other. It'll kind of be like an episode of Real Housewives, except less money, more kids, plus a completely exhausted dude.