As we near the end of 2023, I find myself thankful.
At the start of 2023, I was mentally and emotionally at rock bottom due to my battle with Anxiety Disorder. There were days I could barely put one foot in front of the other. It was, hands down, one of the scariest and darkest times of my life. You may ask "What happened that caused that?" And my answer, for those who have never suffered from anxiety, will surprise you:
Absolutely nothing. Absolutely everything. Absolutely no idea.
Thanks to the help of a couple of great doctors, the support of friends and family (my tribe!), and tiny seed of determination, I was able to find my way out of the darkness. But it took time.
A few things I've learned about this silent mental and emotional terrorist, it never ever really goes away. Yes, I am lightyears ahead of where I was this time last year, but I am not "cured". There's no such thing. Just recently my husband and I were driving home from the beach. We were getting weather alerts announcing Tornado Warnings in the direction we were driving. In an instant, I was back in that dark place of fight or flight. I asked him to stop and wait a few minutes before we drove any further. The reality was, had we kept driving, we would've hit some rain, but by the time we got to that area, the storm would've likely passed.
But MY reality was filled with the anxiety-what-ifs.
What if we keep driving and we meet the storm head on?
What if we keep driving and we can't see the road due to heavy rain?
What if... what if... what if....
My husband was none too thrilled to stop, but did it because he knew the alternative would result in driving his wife right into a full blown panic attack. He's known me long enough to know I don't ask, unless I know I need to make a change, stat.
I tell you this story to explain that those who suffer from anxiety, always have it. If you're lucky, it's dormant until something like the thought or fear triggers it to surface, temporarily. Then it's dormant until the next trigger. And if you're REALLY lucky, those triggers are months apart. It took me starting an antidepressant to lower my constant fears and continuous state of mind of worry and panic. I am not ashamed to admit that I needed help, because I simply could not live like a normal human being with where I was a year ago. Accepting help and embracing that this is a part of who I am is why I can write this blog today with such gratitude. Once you've found your way out of the darkness, there's a new found appreciation in life, and, more importantly, in yourself. I have anxiety, but it doesn't have me.
In December of 2022, I couldn't drive longer than 10-15 minutes from my house without having a panic attack and was on the verge of agoraphobia. This Christmas holiday season, I am back to running errands, driving all over, meeting friends for dinner, having normal ick feelings toward traffic and crowds, and living life in gratitude daily.
A big reason for the gratitude is the acceptance I have found. The "tornado moments" are going to happen, but I know how to handle them. And if it get to the point that they start to happen more frequently, I will know what to do. Plus, I have my tribe to support me. 💙
Need a tribe? I'm happy to be part of yours.
No comments:
Post a Comment