Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Back To School Letter For My Kids Teachers

Dear Elementary, Middle, High School teachers and College professors of Mann kids:

I am writing to apologize in advance for my kids upon their return to the classroom.

5th grade teacher: Early in the summer I told my 10 year old we were going to buy him a series of books to read over the summer. It’s August 21st and the closest he’s come to laying his eyes on a series of anything is watching the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie and its sequels. (Those are pretty funny movies by the way, if you haven’t seen them already. That Roderick! He's a stitch). Granted, *I* was supposed to buy the books and did not. I did, however, walk by Barnes and Noble at Alamance Crossing once back in mid-June.  

8th grade teachers: My 13 year has a girlfriend. And she’s going to different school this year. So I apologize in advance for the massive depression this child will suffer for the first week (or 4) of school, because life as he knows it is ending and the end of the world is approaching.

10th grade teachers: If there is an Xbox 101 class offered, this kid will ace it. As a matter of fact, if you can type up a Degree in Xbox COD, he can go ahead and be Valedictorian of the class. He barely surfaced from the basement. He only showed his face when he was hungry or needed batteries for the controller. I think he has grown another 2”, so you may need a bigger desk for him.

College professors: It’s with certainty that this college sophomore will be sleeping in your class....Unless it's after 2pm. He morphed himself into a vampire over the summer, sleeping all day and staying up all night. Tweeting. And lifting. And eating. Repeat. On the plus side, he DID work this summer waiting tables. Hopefully most of your math is geared to taking 20 percent from any number. He’s pretty good at that calculation by now and will probably yell at you if you go any lower than 20 percent. Occupational hazard.

Don’t worry though, there were lessons learned throughout these uneventful summer months:
  • The 10 year old attended a week long basketball camp with his 15 and 19 year old brothers. That alone scares me. He did, however, learn that just because you’re away from home for 5 days, does not mean you don’t have to shower.
  • The 13 year old had a week solo with his parents while the 3 brothers attended camp. He was educated on how fabulous it was to be an only child. He learned doing the ALL the chores sucks.
  • The 15 year old ventured to Denver sans either parent with his soccer team. Maybe you could have him write a journal about it, but please don’t ask me to read it or sign it.
  • The 19 year old had some personal educational experiences of his own, like how to pretend not to be nauseous the day after your bff’s college birthday party.

They did not go on any educational trips per your standard. However, they were educational per mine. My fiancĂ©’ and I went to the beach and got hitched with the kids. What? It was educational. They learned tolerance, patience, how to hold a bridal bouquet, and it’s ok to iron if you’re a man.

So while my kids may not appear to be the brightest bulbs in the pack, I believe in time they will catch up to their peers who did spend their summers reading, writing and arithmeticking.  In the meantime, please give me their parent’s names and addresses so I can personally kick them in the face thank them for setting such a great example for society. I, myself, took full advantage of the down time. It was nice not having to wake grumpy kids at 6am. Morning tears are the worst. And the kids sometimes cry too. It was nice not having to come home to kids screaming, “I don’t understand this 16 page research paper I have to turn into tomorrow that I’ve known about for 3 ½ weeks!” It was nice finishing off the pack of turkey for my sandwich and not having to share it with 5 other people. It was nice not having to put the house on lock down to find a kids planner. It was nice not having the school call with automated reminders that I suck as a parent and my kid lost a library book or owes the cafeteria 28 cents.

The House By August
But on the flip side, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking my kids back. You are saving me from coming home to a completely TRASHED house that appeared to be ransacked by a family of Tasmanian Devils. You are saving me from coming home to bare cabinets (just one day after filling them). You are saving me from text-tattles that Frick hit Frack and Beavis won’t let Butthead have a turn on the Xbox. So for that, I express appreciation.



Next week marks the first school week of the last year I’ll be able to spread my slackassedness as a parent among four different schools. College professors need fair warning. My 19 year is still fairly “new”. High school teachers need a reminder that a second Mann boy needs a few weeks of acclimation. Middle school is somewhat used to the expected timeframe seeing as if this is the third child. And the 10 year old has it made with a school that probably prefaces all conversations with teachers blessed with a Mann boy, “Don’t expect too much for the first nine weeks.”

I will close this letter of apology and gratitude with two words:

Good luck.

Signed,

Mom of 4 boys

PS: You ROCK! (I suck)