Friday, October 25, 2013

Top 10 RIDICULOUSLY Stupid Things to Say to a Parent of (Many) Boys

In response to this most awesome post by Dad and Buried:

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I can list the Top 10 ridiculously stupid comments/questions I get from people when they realize I have four boys. And here are the answers I’d LIKE to say, but typically don’t unless it’s someone that gets my sense of humor or someone I genuinely loathe.

  1. Do you know what causes that? Sex. I learned about it in middle school health ed class. Next.
  2. Were you trying for a girl? Yes. I thought getting preggos & choosing the gender was much like playing Roulette, betting black or red. I kept betting red and getting black. I am so disappointed I lost. And eff you for asking such a stupid question.
  3. How much is your grocery bill?  Nunya! Unless you’re offering to buy the 4 gallons of milk, 3 loaves of bread, 6 cases of Gatorade, and 18 boxes of cereal, shut up.
  4. I bet you do a lot of sports. Me…..Do? Not so much. But if you’re referring to taxiing everyone to practices/games, spending every spare moment I have sitting on a bleacher, scarfing down fast food, screaming my head off, praying for no injuries, freezing in the winter and sweating profusely in the summer, then yes, I “do a lot of sports”.
  5. How do you survive in a houseful of boys? Wine. And Beats by Dre.
  6. Do they fight? Does a bear sh*t in the woods? They are boys; full of testosterone and super competitive in nature.
  7. How are they all so tall?  Chicken marinated in fertilizer, hormone juice, and stretching exercises. Genetics, smart one.
  8. I bet you have to fight the girls off with a stick. (A personal fave) No stick needed. They’re pretty much scared of me naturally.
  9. You must be crazy. Your mama
  10. I bet you watch a lot of ESPN. The Cardinals evened the series. Peyton Manning had a minor ankle injury but will play against my Skins on Sunday. Favre is suffering from memory loss. When Romo gets a championship ring, the apocalypse is imminent. 30 for 30 = get your tissues ready. Top Ten plays airs 1000x per day. And James Taylor had a brain fart in the middle of the national anthem. 
Nope, never heard of it.

So next time you're even slightly tempted to spit out some ridiculousness to a parent of 3+ kids, especially of one gender, you might want to reword it similar to something like this:

"You have ____ kids?! Awesome! I can already see you're beautiful and funny. You must also be brilliant, patient, level headed and kind hearted. Did I mention brilliant?"