Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A House vs. A Home: The Brady-Riley Face-Off!


Just recently Architectural Digest did a spread on Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s multimillion dollar mansion. How sweet. Just what I wanted to see....rich people and their fabulous lifestyle.

I’d like to invite Architectural Digest to come document my home. There are quite a few gems they could highlight similar to the Brady home.

Typical foyer floor
Brady mansion: All limestone exterior surrounded by a koi stocked moat.
Riley abode: Masonite siding exterior in dire need of paint job with beautiful murky creek filled with nuclear fish, a shovel, a couple of basketballs, and a shoe.

Brady foyer (pronounced foy-EH): elegant chandelier presiding over elegant 2 story space.
Riley foyer (pronounced foy-YER): Bookbags, 8 pair of shoes in the floor and a $39.95 Lowes Home Improvement light fixture hanging on for dear life above.

Brady Great Room: Pine ceiling, custom designed sofas, curtains of cashmere and wool.
Riley living room: Ceiling with water stain from bathroom above, Rooms to Go sofas, and faux plantation mini blinds courtesy, you guessed it, Lowes Home Improvement.

Forgetting to put the shower curtain inside the tub.

Brady kitchen: Antique Tunisian tile, marble countertops, custom made cabinetry.
Riley kitchen: Not enough cabinet space, furthest-thing-from marble countertops, and stove that doesn’t match any other appliance because we’re too cheap to buy one since there’s nothing wrong with it except the fact that it doesn’t match the others. And a bad ass Keurig. 

Brady Gym: Designed by the Out-Fit. Has custom made monkey bars.
Riley Gym: Piece milled weight set, work out machine coated with dust and cobwebs and an Amazon.com foam floor installed by yours truly.

Brady Loggia – I haven’t a clue what the hell that is. We apparently don’t have one.

Brady main staircase: antique bluestone paved entry.
Riley only staircase: railing is nailed to wall exposing a slight paint discrepancy from where it originally was.

Brady Hallway: Artwork, lanterns, sconces.
Riley Hallway: Scuffed walls, broken outlet cover, Trane thermostat. Digital, bitches.

Brady Master Bedroom: chandelier, sconces over mantel, custom rug.
Riley Master Bedroom: original contractor white walls, ceiling fan with lost remote, dingy carpet.

Original artwork by Kristen
Brady Master Bath: more damn marble, more custom fabulousness and a fire place displaying artwork of the Gillette Stadium.
Riley Master Bath: garden tub that takes an hour to drain, a shower that challenges Dave’s claustrophobia and abstract brown artwork on the back of the door where I accidentally sprayed my Loreal when coloring my own hair.

Brady Master bath terrace: a hinoki-wood tub overlooking beautiful view.
Riley Master bath terrace: we don't even have a window.

Brady Closet: crystal chandelier, custom made cabinetry (shocking) and more damn marble.
Riley Closet: recently crashed to the ground due to poor workmanship and heavy clothing. Under complete renovation. Maybe we’ll get some marble and shit.

Brady Guest Bedroom:  fancy beds, curtains, art, and ottomans.
Riley Guest Bedroom:  Children occupy every single room of our house, therefore there is no guest bedroom unless you count kicking out a teenage boy. In that case, double bed, NCSU logo on the wall and video games galore. OR basement bedroom, double bed, and bathroom that gets cleaned once a month at best. 

Brady Boys Bedroom:  Multipart light fixture, framed tortoise shell purchased in Paris.
Riley Boys Bedroom: Broken light fixture, wires dangling from smoke detector, holes in the wall from bedroom door basketball, and games purchased from GameStop.
Ferocious guard dog. And the yellow lab.

Brady Cobblestone Path: the family dog sits perfectly on the cobblestone path flanked by Japanese maples.
Riley sidewalk: the family dogs run around like morons on the sidewalk with a step no one sees and always trips over surrounded by leaves and monkey nuts that fall from the most annoying tree EVER.

Brady Online Exclusive, the Exterior: A waterfall, a pool, a pond, a cabana, a garden with fruits and vegetables, solar panels, a chicken coop, all capped off with a photo of Gisele sitting perfectly in the garden picking apples with her son Benjamin.
Riley Online Exclusive, the whole package: a yard that won’t grow grass, a mailbox with no flag & door hinged by a stick, a yard full of doggy landmines, a deck in dire need of attention, charcoaled siding from where the grill got a little too close and windows that need replacing.
The hub's genius engineering

While I do appreciate the finer things and flipped through the pages of Arch Digest with slight envy, I did happen to notice one major difference in our homes. Where were the toys? Strewn shoes? Kids artwork? Where were the kid movies? The board games? The kids books? I have to assume that these things were put away for the photo shoot. I get it. Architectural Digest says "Who wants to see that?"

Here's a clue, AD:  Moms do.

The Brady mansion is breathtakingly beautiful. It's perfect. It's museum-esque. But with 2 small kids, the name "Home" is a misnomer. A home has character, it has flaws, it radiates love, it's warm, it's cozy, it goes through the pains of each day with scuffs, marks, and bruises. It's the place where everyone congregates in the kitchen, watches TV sitting on the floor of the living room, and forgets to make the bed in a morning rush. A window blind is broken and it's OK. The dog tracks in mud and it's OK. The kids wear a path in the yard from running bases and it's OK. The mailbox is on it's last leg and it's OK. And a kitchen nook, only having room for a table of 6, can squeeze in 2 extra chairs for a family of eight so they always eat together and it's OK.

So while my house will never be a perfect mansion, it is "home". There in lies the obvious difference between the Brady and Riley dwellings.

Brady mansion: The perfect house.
Riley abode: The perfect home.

Source: Architectural Digest