Thursday, November 7, 2013

CMS - Chronic Mom Syndrome: TAKE WARNING!

I suffer from CMS, Chronic Mom Syndrome. There is no cure, but treatment options are those of alcoholic variety.

  1. Exhaustion: not just fall face first on your bed at 9pm, tired. Fall asleep at 7pm watching the one TV show you’ve waited to see for days. Once you finally get the TV off the damn Disney Channel or ESPN and press Play on the DVR, you conk out.
  2. Pony tails- the mom, not the kid: Everydamnday. (see #3) 
  3. Financial ruin:  just when you pick up the phone to set up your first big girl hair cut in a year, you get an automated school call “Your son is out of lunch money. Again. Also, our fundraiser money is due tomorrow. If your child does not participate, he will not attend the pizza party and you will be the worst mother ever. Also, the school field trip that you’ve most been dreading is in need of your $100 deposit. Also, tomorrow is book fair. Please send a minimum of $20 to cover the cost of a book he will never read, a poster he will rip before he gets home and a bookmark that will sit in the previously mentioned book until it dry rots".
  4. Unexpected crying fits: usually occurs during an ASPCA commercial, or the end of the Steve Martin movie, Parenthood or when you cut your bangs too short because you haven’t had the time or the money to have it cut by someone who actually knows what they are doing.
  5. Indifference: You don’t give a shiznit that you are wearing the same jeans from the day before, that your ponytail is crooked or that the kids are eating a bowl of cereal right before dinner. It means you can cook less. Or maybe it means cereal for dinner.
  6. Forgetfulness: You walk into another room and forget why. You spend 20 minutes writing out a grocery list that you realize you've left on the kitchen counter when you're at the store.
Please be advised that you may need to warn your children. This is a hereditary condition and their inquisitive little questions such as "Mommy, why are you so tired? Mom, why are you so grumpy? Mother, why can't I have a $500 iPhone that only costs you $200/month?" will bite them when they become parents of their own one day. At this point, you can laugh all the way to the hair dresser.

*** If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your therapist or bartender immediately. MomMD does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the site.