Monday, October 13, 2014

Cosmo! Simmer Down Now.

Finishing up my most dreaded weekly Walmart grocery shopping trip, I found myself in a gaze into space while waiting for the slowest cashier on the planet. I was daydreaming of being anywhere but there, when out of no where something caught my eye. That something?

Boobies.


And not the Walmart "I wore my best tank top that shows off side boobs and back fat" kind.
Hot boobies.

For a second I thought I'd gazed myself into a Hudson News at the airport staring at a cover of Maxim...or worse. But no. I wasn't at one of "those" places and it wasn't Maxim (or worse). It was Cosmo-freakin-politan. Over the course of the last several years, I have noticed the covers have gotten a bit more revealing, but for whatever reason, this particular one sent me over the edge. It could be the fact that I have 5 impressional boys at home ages 11 and older. This particular issue was displayed front and center at the end of the checkout aisle, perfectly eye level to an 8-9 year old kid standing in line with mom or dad. On top of boobies, the word SEX was displayed prominantly in 3 different places with a bonus article on the ultimate guide to oral. Thanks, Cosmo. (insert sarcasm, not a geniune appreciation)

Obviously, Cosmopolitan is going with the adage "Sex sells"....and, apparently it really does. Cosmo is the most read women's magazine in the world according to www.bauer-media.com with the age demographic aimed for 18-34. At 41, I feel Cosmo is secretly suggesting the likes of me advance on over to Living Better 50 or Readers Digest. Newsflash Cosmo, I too would love some insight on "Sweatproof makeup" and how not to kill my husband "When he makes me crazy" so don't throw me in a retirement facility just yet. But now I'm more likely to Google the answers to those two things, because I'm mad at you for stressing me the hell out in Walmart.

And now I have a few questions for you, the editors of CosmoCoverYourKidsEyespolitan:

1. Are you a parent? Can your kids read?

2. Please explain why it is appropriate for your magazine to be prominently placed perfectly at kid-eye level in a store that sells PlaySkool, Fisher Price, Lego, Thomas the Tank Engine, Elmo, Scooby Doo and Barbie type items?

Now in detail, please answer the following questions for our kids:

3. "What is sex? And how do you give or get the best ever?"

4. "Daddy, what is oral? Is it the gross flouride swishy stuff from the dentist office?"

5. "Does it hurt your head when you blow your mind?"

6. "If there's a chance you could end up in the ER, why would you do sex, Mommy?"

And lastly,

7. "Why can we see that girl's boobies? Isn't she cold?"

www.brwnpaperbag.com
Cosmopolitan, these aren't questions we are prepared to answer in the line at Walmart. We just want to get the eff out of there with some patience in tact and now you're totally throwing us a curve ball with these covers loading our children with curiosity. I realize this is the content that sells your magazine, but would it kill ya to spend an additional few cents per issue to cover that shiznit like those "other" magazines? Especially in establishments where toys are sold.

Granted, it's probably way too late for my teenagers who have purposely clicked on accidentally stumbled upon images on the net, but please, for the love of God, don't give us parents any more reason to hate Walmart. Or YOU for that matter. I don't think a little discretion will lower the number of your readers. As a matter of fact, I'd be more apt to buy it......

For the sweatproof makeup articles, of course!