First I'd like to start this blog off by apologizing in advance. I have had a shitty morning and my mood is less than stellar. Yet somehow I find it's an appropriate time to write in my blog.....probably a decision I will grow to regret later, but what the hell. Here goes.
Warning: 2 curse words in the first paragraph means Parental Guidance is suggested
I suck at this whole parenting thing. Just. Plain. Suck. I spent my entire morning before work yelling (and I don't mean a slight raise of my voice), YELLING at my 11 year old over something that we have discussed time and time again. He'd dropped the ball, yet again, and I lost it. I lost my patience. I lost my temper. I lost my voice. And as luck would have it, I had to leave for work. I, of course, hugged him before I left, but I was still very angry. And he knew it.
I cried the entire commute going through all the typical mom scenarios:
"Where did I go wrong?"
"Why won't he listen?"
"Why did I let myself get so angry?"
And of course, this happened on a day where I fly out of town for 4 days. I am beside myself with frustration and guilt. While I greatly appreciate my job and the opportunities it provides, it oftentimes gets in the way of me being the Mom I'd really like to be, one where I have time to gather myself and come to a calm resolution before parting ways. Some days I have my shit together. Other days I'm flying by the seat of my pants. My boys throw me daily challenges and, for the most part I'm up for the task, but there are days I explode or surrender, because, well, I have to. I am exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically. My supermom cape is bundled in the corner of my room with the rest of the household laundry. I just don't have it in me to find my Mom superpower and well, I lose my marbles.
Today was just one of those days. When I got to work, I grabbed some coffee and logged into Facebook as part of my normal morning routine. I think a part of me was looking for some solace from fellow moms. Instead, happy statuses, happy photos, Happy F*cking Monday, bitches!
Nada. You gave me nada.
So I'm here to give you all something of real life substance.
Parenting blows chunks.
Not always...not even half the time, but once in a while. Occasionally it absolutely sucks you to the depths of your own personal hell making you face the fact that you're not doing that great of a job. But don't lose sight that your kids need you, imperfections and all. These moments of dispair are actually the ones that define us. It's what takes us from shitty mom status, to I-Think-I'm-Doing-OK mom status. And the way in which we handle the big picture often outweighs the momentary lapse of level-headedness. Kids need to understand our limitations. They need to understand consequences to their actions. And most importantly, it's imperative they understand and feel our unconditional love. Before catching my flight I drove 40 minutes home, pulled him out of lunch and gave him the biggest, most loving hug a mom could give. And I apologized for losing my temper. I'm not sorry for reprimanding him for something he should have done, but I am sorry in the manner in which I handled it.
And I feel a bit less shitty.
Alternatively, I can't help but wonder if my hug outside the middle school cafeteria will now weigh heavy on his mind the next time he decides to slack off at school. In my attempt to do something sweet, I may have figured out that instead of taking away XBox, I can threaten future acts of public affection at school to keep him in line. Damn, I'm a genius.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll find my cape upon my return.