Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The House with the Red Door

Mothers Day 2010
Today I sit at my desk waiting with baited breath over some news; hoping, praying for a chapter in this book of grief to close. After months of trials and tribulations to sell my moms house, it closes today.

"Praise the Lord!" and "Oh My lord!" all at once.

My 15 year old and I went by the house last week to drop off the keys. The house still smells like her. He asked if we could walk around one last time and so we did. I made my way to back to her bathroom, he stood in the bedroom, our eyes met, both full of tears, still in disbelief that she is gone. Her birthday approaches and she isn't here. Then Thanksgiving. She's gone. And then Christmas. No Nana. I feel like the air has been deflated from my lungs. I find that the roller coaster of emotions makes me motion sick - sadness, anger, disbelief, immense grief, more anger. I don't know which way is up. The natural cycle of grief controls my emotions of the day and, while I can push much of it away, it has it's way of creeping back and punching me right in the gut when I least expect it. My head and heart are in constant battle as my head says "it's just a building with walls and a roof". My heart says "It was her home".

Mothers Day 2015
Today, I will rejoice when I hear the words that the closing is complete. And then I will sob; happy that we can close a very stressful chapter, devastated that the chapter even exists.
But that's life.

Until we meet again, Mom.