Monday, June 24, 2013

It's A Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Dumbass On A Cable!

I had to tune in tonight to see what all the hype was about with the guy walking a tightrope over the Grand Canyon. I was immediately annoyed. Granted, I appreciate anyone with a passion for something. I feel like the world is lacking passion, so I embrace it whenever I see it, within reason. But I draw the line at understanding why someone would want to do something... what's the word I'm looking for???

Completely stupid.

In the interview before the walk was about to take place, his wife was getting choked up. She praised him for his dedication. She said all the things a supportive wife is supposed to say when their husband is pursuing a dream. But what they couldn't air was what she was thinking. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess:

"I wish he'd find a different hobby"
"Heads, he crosses. Tails, mama gets a brand new car"
"I really hope he doesn't sneeze."
Or maybe she thought:
"I really hope he forgot to take his allergy medicine"
"I appreciate the Discovery Channel paying for my botox, so that I could appear to be his much younger wife and in the event he plunges to his death, wrinkles won't appear when I cry".

I could go on and, of course, I'm totally speculating, but seriously, she is JUST as crazy as he is to put up with this kind of ridiculous behavior. Why would one support the father of their children putting his life at risk just to say "I'm the only human to cross the Grand Canyon on a wire"? Big deal.  It wasn't a life or death situation. You didn't do it to raise money for your kids medical treatment? You did it because you wanted the attention. Not to mention, how much gratification can you REALLY get out of walking a tightrope? Maybe you feel a sense of accomplishment when you make it from Point A to Point B, but at what point do you draw the line? Well, besides accidental death. I do appreciate you have set these goals because it's in your blood; Generations of high wire and tightrope performers. But I'm pretty sure your great-grandfather who died from plunging to his death probably wishes he'd thought it completely through and is certain to be sitting in his eternal paradise thinking "WTF, dude! It's windy. And it's 1500 feet down and 1/4 mile across! Have you lost your damn mind?"

Sorry if this is a spoiler and you DVR'ed it, but he obviously made it across or today's top CNN Headline would be "Dumbass plunges to his death on National television while his children watch in terror, and the wife hits on Jim Cantore". 
(This man chases storms for a living. She'd just be going from one whackadoo to another).

While watching, I felt somewhat cold hearted. I didn't want this guy to fall with his family (and the world) watching, but a part of me hoped someone would blow an airhorn or throw baseballs at his face while he walked across. Not to make him fall off, but to scare some sense into him. Many people may not agree but I feel it was an incredibly selfish thing to do. Thankfully his jazz shoes did their job and he made it across, but now his new goal is to walk between two skyscrapers in New York City. I may or may not purchase an airhorn between now and then. And I may or may not plan an impromptu trip to the Big Apple. All joking aside, it's highly doubtful but I hope this man comes to his senses before he bites it on top of a CitySightsNY double decker bus in mid-town.

I guess I shouldn't judge this man for his ridiculous decision making. I am sure whatever proceeds he received from the Discovery Channel and all the incoming Nike jazz shoe endorsements will go to a good cause, right? At least his tightrope expeditions wouldn't be in complete vain. All I know is a I see the writing on the wall with Nik. Or should I say "the splatter on the ground".

And one can't be too shocked that he's a few fries short of a Happy Meal when he purposely named his kids Yanni, Amadaos and Evita. I rest my case.

Lastly, I couldn't help but laugh at some of the Tweets I read while he was walking across. Some of my personal faves were:

"I can't wait until the wife is a widower"
"America: Where you can watch a man fall to his death on live TV, immediately followed by a show about naked people."
"The skywire attempt seems brave until you see the guy is covered in freckles and has nothing to live for."
"I'm watching skywirelive and Real Housewives of New Jersey at the same time. Lots of clenched buttholes all around."
And my personal favorite:

"White people."