Thursday, June 27, 2013

Please Pass Me the Mother F'n Ratchet

The fiancé bought a new basketball goal for the kids this week. While the gesture is awesome, the brunt of putting that sucker together is undoubtedly painful. And it’s still not done.
My two older sons were tasked with helping the fiancé assemble the goal. I walked into the garage to find him sweating profusely as he worked on tightening the base while the 15 year old held the pole steady and the 19 year old gingerly held it with one hand and Tweeted with the other. I ran inside to grab something only to go back through the garage with the fiancé still working the ratchet, the 15 year old still holding the pole and the 19 year old, who had overexerted his thumbs, now with his shirt off standing over to the side, Tweeting. An hour later, the pole was secure, and several other select pieces were in place with the backboard left to do; the fiancé, hot and completely exhausted, the 15 year annoyed and tired himself, and the 19 year old inside where it was air conditioned....you guessed it, Tweeting. Needless to say, since his helpers were dropping like flies, the fiancé called it a night for us to reconvene the following night. The boys would not be home, which meant I would have to assist in the assembly. The timing of this grueling task is not the greatest. If either of us are looking for the least little “out” before the wedding, a dual assembly of a piece of equipment with 4,297 nuts, bolts, and pieces in a thousand degree, dim lit garage is probably not the best idea for us to take on just weeks from our I Do’s. Quite easily I Do could turn into F You. There are some things couples should never do together.

Assembling a basketball goal is one of them.
I found myself hoping on the way home from dinner last night he would somehow not notice this gigantic pole standing in the middle of our garage. He, thankfully, chose to walk into the house through the front door. I came out unscathed, but I have a feeling tonight I won’t be so lucky. He really wants to get this done before the kids return tomorrow. While I adore his Clark Griswold family mentality, it drives me to drink. Now THERE’S an idea. A few beers in and the process may be less painful. But a few beers in may mean an upside down backboard. Hmmmm….. tough call.
Top 5 Reasons Relationships End:
1.       Cheating
2.       Falling out of love
3.       Different aspirations
4.       Basketball goal assembly gone terribly wrong
5.       Physical abuse

I can only imagine the saved relationships if stores offered an option for assembly and delivery of basketball goals. I totally think Blue Cross should let people claim the fee as a marriage counseling copay.