Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Why Vaseline Should Be Included in Your Disney Vacation...

T minus 64 days until our fabulous Disney vacation aka Our Mother Effin’ Disney Catastrophe.

One of my favorite sayings is “Hope for the best, but plan for the worst”. The same has to go for vacations with 6 kids. I am hoping for the best, but specifically planning for what could single handedly be our most expensive cluster !*#% of a trip ever. But I’m excited. 
Really. Truly. I mean it. Pinky swear.

In the meantime, can we please take a moment and talk about the planning stages that have me waking up, nightly, in a full sweat?

Dear Walt Disney:

Can I have a moment of your time?
Spotlight Photography & KTR Photoshop

Kids vs. Adults Tickets: First off, Walt, I know kids are maturing earlier and all, but since when is “10 and older” an adult? My 10 year old son and step daughter do not eat like grownups. And they are still in the “scared of the big coaster” stages of life, so paying full price for them is just plain stupid. And to pay $109.53 PER DAY for the 3 meal dining plan makes me want to punch you right in the kisser. Oooo, but that includes 1 refillable mug. How nice of you to throw that in there. Now I’m waiting outside the bathroom for my kid half the day. How ‘bout you keep your mug and deduct $30 per day….per kid, er, I mean “adult”? We will be packing snacks and not partaking in the meal plan for the discounted price of $876.24 per day for our family of 8. Is Mickey spoon feeding us? Does each meal include sushi and filet mignon? Do we get a commemorative gold plate with each meal? Does Britney Spears jump out of a cake?  We will not eat $3,500 in food in 4 days. You want us to buy the dining package, because it’s convenient. I will take the inconvenience and raise you a grand (or hopefully 2) in savings, Walt. Time to lay off the crack pipe.

Park Hopping:  Please explain to this mother WHY it’s $400 additional to park hop? So basically you’re charging folks for convenience!?  If kids are burned out from It’s a Small World and glittery Princess vomit, then they can mosey over to Lions, Tigers, and Bears in Animal Kingdom all in the same day. OR the parents can save a few hundred dollars and say “Hey kids, we’re doing Magic Kingdom on Monday, and Animal Kingdom on Tuesday”. Sure, I’d love the convenience to go in and out of parks, but not when it’s my monthly car payment to do so. Shouldn’t park hopping just be standard? Sorry kids, we won't be hoppin'. We’ll just use that $400 on 8 Mickey Bars.

Places to stay: Ahhh….. the places we can stay. 
Pros: There are multiple options. 
Cons: They suck in price if you have the gall to have more than 3 children.
We can get 2 moderate resort rooms on Disney property, which in turn doubles the price of our trip. We can squeeze our butts into Disney’s Saratoga Springs Resort or Animal Kingdom Villas for the super duper price-range of $7,000 - $8,620. Hey, that includes park tickets!
…..but no park hopper. Shocker

Lastly, and most reasonable, for $3,100 we can stay at Disney’s Fort Wilderness Resort Campsites. One problem though: I don’t think the fifteen passenger van we’re renting doubles as sleeping accommodations. We’d more than likely get arrested. And let’s face it, we don’t camp well which was blatantly apparant during our last ice storm power outage.

For convenience, yet again, we pay. And we pay BIG. 

So I did what any budgeting mom would do, I found a place in our price range.

Wait for it…………..

(insert music from The Conjuring)

Disgusting, I know. I’m sure we’ll get the look of shame from fellow traveling Disney loving families when we show up at the gate peeling out of a crammed non-affiliated shuttle. And when we pull out cash to pay for food…. I cannot even imagine the looks of pity. But in my defense, there are eight of us. Maybe if we left 50% of our children at home, we could afford to do the “Disney-all-inclusive-fabulous-and-most-convenient-vacation”. But that’s not an option. We go big or stay home. While I can’t change the number of people going, I can change my mindset during this god-awful planning stage. It’s going to be pricey, even with eating breakfast in, packing snacks for the park, driving instead of flying, foregoing the expensive Disney resort and redonkulous dining plans, it’s Disney and we are a big ole family. So I will succumb to the financial pain we shall incur. And I surrender to Walt (RIP) and all of his peeps.


After all, big families need Disney too.